I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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