I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize