Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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