: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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