how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
