i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
