I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
