carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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