I cannot find my penis.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
