T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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