Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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