I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
