I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
