My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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