Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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