she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
