Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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