its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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