you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
