If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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