I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
well you can't waste a boner
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
