cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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