Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
