I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
