its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
