I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
