overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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