need another drink. this is the easiest way
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize