Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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