I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
