My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
