I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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