the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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