I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
