I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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