maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
