Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just found a bag of teeth...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
