When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
