I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i love accidental penises.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
