Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
