i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
