We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
