Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
