Just took my morning after pill in the library
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
