I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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