really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
