while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just found puke in my bra..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
