I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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