I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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