I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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