he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
