remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
