I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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