My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Randomize
