Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
