Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
