so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
