Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
