so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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